Recipes

Recipes you are probably too chicken shit to try.

Every one of these has been made and consumed. That is the only standard applied. Nothing here is a dare and nothing here is a joke, which is what makes it worse.

01

Drinks

Serve at body temperature · serve immediately
An unsettling amount of whole milk

Cranmilk

also: crilk

Cranberry juice and whole milk. The acid in the cranberry begins curdling the milk on contact, so the drink separates while you hold it. This is not a mistake in the preparation. It is the preparation.

You need

  • Cranberry juice, cold
  • Whole milk, cold
  • A clear glass, so you can watch

Method

  1. Pour the milk first. About a third of the glass.
  2. Add cranberry juice slowly down the inside of the glass. Do not stir. Stirring makes it worse and also makes it faster, and you want time to reconsider.
  3. Watch the boundary. It will begin to bloom within about ten seconds — fine threads forming where the two meet.
  4. Drink it before the threads become curds. You have perhaps a minute.
Past about ninety seconds this stops being a drink and becomes a very thin cheese. That is a different recipe and it is not on this page.
Grant, mid-recipe
Grant · Cranmilk · second 40
House rules for the milk drinks. Serve at body temperature. Not cold, not warm — body temperature, so it arrives without announcing itself. And crush a vitamin C tablet into it. This does not improve the flavour. It body-improves the flavour, which is a different thing and harder to describe.

Golive

pronounced jawl-live

Gin and olive. Not a martini — a martini is gin that has been near an olive. This is gin and an olive, together, in a glass, in roughly equal seriousness. It does not taste good. That is not a failure of technique and no amount of adjustment will fix it.

You need

  • Gin
  • An olive
  • More olive than you think

Method

  1. Gin in a glass. However much you were going to have, and then slightly less, because of what comes next.
  2. Add the olive. Whole, not sliced. The brine goes in too.
  3. Leave it a minute. The gin takes on the olive, and the olive takes on the gin, and neither of them wanted this.
  4. Drink it. Eat the olive last. The olive has become the worst part and it is important to end there.
A martini is engineered so the olive stays a garnish. The Golive removes that engineering. If you find yourself reaching for vermouth you have stopped making a Golive and started fixing one.
Grant, mid-recipe
Grant · Golive · pre-olive

Wolive

pronounced wall-live

Whiskey and a garlic-stuffed olive, taken in that order and not together. The first second is as bad as anything on this page. Then you bite the olive and it becomes pepperoni pizza. Not “a bit like” — pepperoni pizza, specifically, and convincingly.

You need

  • Whiskey. Something with real oak on it
  • A garlic-stuffed olive. Garlic, not pimento — pimento does nothing

Method

  1. Drink the whiskey. All of it. The olive waits.
  2. Pop the olive in whole. Do not bite yet. Let it sit a second against the whiskey still in your mouth. This part is genuinely unpleasant and you have to go through it.
  3. Bite. The garlic goes up into your nose at the same moment the brine hits, and it arrives as pizza.
  4. Tell whoever is nearest. They will not believe you. Make them do it.
What is actually happening. Pepperoni is four things: smoky phenols from the cure, sulfur compounds from garlic, a lactic tang from fermentation, and salt and fat. Charred oak gives you the phenols. The stuffed olive gives you the garlic. The brine gives you the lactic tang and the salt, and the olive itself gives you the fat. You have assembled cured sausage out of a glass and a jar, and your nose finishes the job. The order matters because the four have to arrive at once, which is why biting early ruins it.
Grant, mid-recipe
Grant · Wolive · the bad second

Mcgilk

pronounced mc-gilk

Dr. McGillicuddy’s and whole milk. Yes, whole milk again. Three of the four drinks on this page are whole milk and nobody planned that. At some point it stopped being a coincidence and started being a house style.

You need

  • Dr. McGillicuddy’s. Mentholmint is the standard, cherry is a different drink and a worse one
  • Whole milk. It has to be whole. This is not negotiable and it is not about richness

Method

  1. Milk first, about two thirds.
  2. McGillicuddy’s on top. It will sit there briefly before it goes in, which is the last calm moment.
  3. Stir once. Only once.
  4. Drink it cold and reasonably quickly. It does not improve with air and it does not improve with time.
The whole milk is doing real work here. Menthol is fat-soluble, so the fat pulls the cold out of the mint and spreads it across everything instead of leaving it sharp. Skim milk will not do it — you get the mint with none of the softening, which is worse than either ingredient on its own.
Grant, mid-recipe
Grant · Mcgilk · after the single stir
House rules for the milk drinks. Serve at body temperature. Not cold, not warm — body temperature, so it arrives without announcing itself. And crush a vitamin C tablet into it. This does not improve the flavour. It body-improves the flavour, which is a different thing and harder to describe.

Big Mac Milk

blend it and spread it

A Big Mac and whole milk, blended. Whole milk again — the house style holds. The blending is not complicated and it is not the part anyone asks about. It is a drink right up until the last step, and then it is something else, and that is all this page is going to say about it.

You need

  • One Big Mac. Whole. Do not take anything off it — the pickles are load-bearing
  • Whole milk, obviously
  • A blender you will not be using for anything else afterward
  • Somewhere to spread it

Method

  1. Big Mac into the blender. All three pieces of bun. No box, no paper.
  2. Whole milk until the burger is just covered.
  3. Blend until you can no longer tell where the middle bun was. This takes longer than you want it to.
  4. Spread it.
Step four is not missing anything. People have asked what it goes on, and whether it goes on something, and how much of it, and the answer every time has been step four.
Grant, mid-recipe
Grant · Big Mac Milk · before step four
House rules apply. Body temperature, and crush a vitamin C tablet into it. The house rules do not cover spreading. They were written before this.

Gravy Milk untested

testing pending

Gravy and whole milk. This has not been made. It is the only thing on this page that has not cleared the bar, and it is here so that it cannot quietly be forgotten about.

You will need

  • Gravy. Type undecided — and the type is probably the whole question
  • Whole milk, obviously

The problem

  1. A lot of gravy is already milk. Sausage gravy is milk, flour and fat. So this may turn out to be gravy with extra steps, and therefore fine.
  2. Fine would be a serious failure for this page.
  3. Brown gravy is the interesting case. That is stock, not milk, and stock plus milk is a much less settled question.
  4. Temperature is the other unknown. Hot gravy into cold milk will curdle. Whether that is a problem or the point has not been established.
Report back and this becomes a real entry. If it turns out to be pleasant it gets removed, because a drink that is nice to drink does not belong on a page about drinks you are too chicken shit to try.
Grant, mid-recipe
Grant · Gravy Milk · hypothetical
House rules apply. Body temperature, and crush a vitamin C tablet into it. Gravy is already served warm, so this one may be the only entry where the house rule is also the obvious thing to do.
02

Solids

Not about flavour
About what your mouth can and cannot do

Olive Rancher

a jolly rancher inside an olive

This one is not about taste. The taste is roughly what you would expect and it is not the problem. The problem is that you have built an object your mouth has no procedure for.

You need

  • A large olive, pitted
  • A Jolly Rancher. Any flavour — it will not matter

Method

  1. Work the Jolly Rancher into the olive where the pit was. It will not want to go. Persist.
  2. Put the whole thing in your mouth.
  3. Discover the problem. You cannot suck it, because there is olive in the way. You cannot bite it, because there is candy in the way. There is no third option.
  4. Wait. Waiting is the only mechanism available to you, and it takes a long time.
Why it is so bad. Everything you eat is either something you chew or something you dissolve, and your mouth decides which within about a second. The Olive Rancher is both and neither, so that decision never resolves and you get to sit with it. The flavour is incidental. The stalemate is the recipe.
Grant, mid-recipe
Grant · Olive Rancher · minute nine


A hard sweet inside something slippery is a genuine choking risk. Sit up, take your time, and do not do this one alone or while laughing, which is the exact moment it becomes likely.
03

Submitting

The bar for entry

You have to have made it. You have to have finished it. If you have a recipe that clears both, tell Dane — the page has room.